I transitioned at 19, going on 20, and then I had top surgery when I was 21 and hysterectomy when I was 22. And it was just coming to the point of realising that no matter what I do, say, or change, I will never ever be a male. I will always be a female. And there was power in acknowledging it and accepting that. And I came to this realisation with, with peace and love. I decided to detransition at age 26.
MEET ISSY
I remember when I was a child, I always thought I was a boy. I always had friends that were boys and I did all the boy things. It wasn’t until I was age 11 when I started going through puberty that I realised that I wasn’t, and, uh, I faced the reality of what my gender was, and I played the part and just became as feminine as possible.
But I never fully felt like I was myself, I was never comfortable in my skin. I always sort of hated myself.
My mum raised me on her own as a teenager, like she had me when she was 16, 17, and then had another kid two years later, so she raised me and my sister.
High school was like a personal hell for me. I was diagnosed clinically depressed, and I deeply hated myself. Every time I looked in the mirror, like I saw, I saw a guy and I was just dressing feminine so no one could tell that I was actually a boy. I know that sounds stupid saying it out loud, but like, that’s how I felt like just, um, a hugely depressed, anxiety filled teenager. I also like, um, I was a satanist for seven years. It started in high school as well.
TRANSITION
My second year of university I joined the UniQ Club, which is the LGBT+ club at uni. And I met people that I’ve, that were living as, like, transgender. It made me realise like, wow, people can, these people look happy and they’re being their, their true selves. They’re, you know, living the way they were meant to live. And I sort of envied that.
And so I decided to cut my hair off to, to try, see how that would make me feel and change my appearance a bit. And it felt right.
And so one day I went to my doctor and I just said, um, I just said, I feel like I’m a man. No one ever told me like, that’s actually not normal, you shouldn’t be feeling that that way.
And then I was put on the waiting list to see an endocrinologist, which then seeing that person, you start hormone replacement therapy after a tick from the psychologist.
And then you can go on the waiting list for surgeries and stuff. It’s very straightforward and it’s very, they affirm you in that entire, entire process.
It’s almost too easy.
So seeing the psychiatrist before starting the hormones, they just want to ensure that this is something you’re really wanting to do, essentially, and you’re not gonna regret it or change your mind.
They tell you side effects of the medication, like a breakdown of, of side effects, like the permanent deepening of the voice, how that, um, is permanent, can’t be changed or come, come back.
More hair growth, more sweating. They tell you that you might still get your period, but you also may stop and it can affect fertility. And I never wanted children anyway, so, I thought, yeah, no sweat.
I grew a beard, I got a deep voice. My period stopped. There was more sweat. I could make muscle easily. All the stuff I wanted.
I got massively depressed. I tried a lot of different antidepressants.
It was a pretty quick process. I transitioned at 19, going on 20, and then I had top surgery when I was 21 and hysterectomy when I was 22. The waiting list for top surgery was about four to six months, and that was waiting for the outcome on whether or not I’d get it for free.
I was happy. I was very, very happy. I always, I always hated my breasts. They were really big. I hated wearing bras. I hated the weights. I just didn’t want them. I looked in the mirror and I was actually happy.
Being part of the queer community, LGBT+, they sort of encourage you and teach you and affirm you, like, if you’re feeling this way, then you’re that, you know. If you’re feeling like a boy, you’re a boy. Like, they’re very encouraging and affirming with that, which I think is sort of a problem because that’s pretty much how it, how it was for me.
With my family, if they don’t accept me, you cut them off. And so I, uh, yeah, had a bit of conflict with my family. I was essentially cut off from them for a, a good few months because I failed to be understanding in how they would’ve been feeling. I was just told by the queer community I was part of that they don’t accept me, so you must cut them off. They can’t be in your life anymore. You’ve gotta be surrounded by people that are gonna support you and all the decisions you make, even if they’re not good decisions.
But looking back, like, I think, I believe that was a failure on my part. I should have been understanding with my family – they were grieving the loss of, of a daughter. I just should have been more understanding in how they would’ve been feeling in that, which I didn’t.
Looking back to when I was in the beginning stages of my transition, nothing was gonna change my mind. Nothing. No matter what you do, say like. I didn’t even tell my family until I transitioned ’cause I knew that they wouldn’t have been happy with it.
I did a Bachelor of Arts degree in theatre. I started off doing a law degree. I haven’t figured out what I wanna do in life, but I think I finally figured it out now with the nursing.
DE-TRANSITION
I was happy, but eventually I started to, like, not be happy, like I wasn’t ever finding peace with myself. The relationships I had just never worked out in the end. They kept failing. Something was always missing.
I decided to detransition at age 26. I’ve stopped testosterone like a year ago, and I’m currently on the waiting list to go back on oestrogen, ’cause as I’ve had a full hysterectomy, um, I don’t make any oestrogen, any female hormone.
So I’m just on a wait list to see the endocrinologist about that. I went on the waiting list in April last year, and they told me it’s about a year wait list. So, the waiting list to see the endocrinologist transition was five months. But as I’m wanting to detransition, the wait time is 12 months.
It was very easy to navigate the transitioning process through the healthcare system in our country, but I’m finding a bit of resistance and lack of care for the fact I want to detransition.
I’ve been starting the process of dropping masculine features. I’ve got scars, very visible scars, but yeah, I guess it’s the consequences of my actions. Right?
It wasn’t until like I found faith and I found the existence of God that things really started to change. Helped heal my depression and anxiety I didn’t think I needed healing from.
And understanding who I was in my identity with God is what brought forth the true peace that I’ve been feeling as of late.
And it was just coming to the point of realising that no matter what I do, say, or change, I will never ever be a male. I will always be a female.
And there was power in acknowledging it and accepting that.
And I came to this realisation with peace and love. It was then when I decided that I should detransition.
It’s like my mind and my feelings finally agreed with my biology. I’d healed from these deep-rooted things. And I feel like this is my true self.
And I’ve seen the growing number in trans people. Like, when I became trans, there wasn’t that many trans people. And then like since then you’ve, I’ve, I saw a pattern of the increase in number of trans people.
I can understand how you’d struggle to find people to talk about their detransition journey because it’s a touchy subject and yeah, to the queer community, it’s, it has almost seemed like a betrayal, so I get it.
But it’s also important stuff that’s not talked about enough.
I will also say that, um, that we are not born trans. It is a choice. Um, even from the, the very moment I made the choice to transition, like, I knew that this was a decision that I was making, that I didn’t have to. I just thought life would be better.
I was feeling confused. And, um, I just wanted to walk away from faith ’cause I felt like God wasn’t gonna accept me.
I was asking him to send someone to me and I saw like this butch looking woman at the [mandates parliamentary] protest in the prayer and worship area. And I just found that curious, and I wondered like if she was Christian or whatever, and I wanted to talk to her, but I didn’t ’cause I was chicken.
But anyway, at the end I was literally leaving and then she was standing right in front of me. She was like, hello. And I’m like, hi. She’s like, uh, I have something for you. And I’m, like, okay, what is it? And she goes and gives me this book. She’s like, it’s my testimony. I want you to read it and can I also tell you something? I’m like, sure.
And then she whispers in my ear, “come as you are”. And, like, all my fierce worries, concerns dropped to the ground in that moment. And I just started crying ’cause that’s exactly what I needed, exactly what I was like looking for.
And, um, I told her as I was crying, like, I’m a, I’m a transgender, um, I’ve been like thinking about this, worrying about this. And she points to her book and says, look, gender confusion. And literally on the title of her book, it said “gender confusion”.
It’s been a healing journey.
My life has just been a healing journey, and I feel like I’ve finally reached the point of fully loving myself, my true self, loving the way I am, for me.
